


all the problems that you made in your own head

by Voidfish



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Suicidal Ideation, imposter syndrome, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 11:32:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voidfish/pseuds/Voidfish
Summary: There are scars hidden all over Barry Bluejeans. Some literal, some figurative, some imaginary, some dangerously real.And they won’t go away.





	all the problems that you made in your own head

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons. 
> 
> Warning for self hate and imposter syndrome but it all works out okay in the end <3

There are scars hidden all over Barry Bluejeans. Some literal, some figurative, some imaginary, some dangerously real.

And they won’t go away.

***

He signs up for the interplanetary mission with Captain Davenport because it’s either leave the planet or lose his fucking mind.

Barry Bluejeans is one breakdown away from doing something really stupid, and he knows it. He lives in fear of it.

The mission looks exciting, looks like something he could try, so he applies, never expecting to make it past the first round. To make it past the second. To make it into space. 

So he trains, he studies, he prepares to be the best at his new job because if he doesn’t they’ll realize their mistake and he’ll lose it. 

The others whisper about him, call him a buzzkill, call him a nerd and a loser. He tries not to give that any mind. It doesn’t work.

***

The world is sucked up and the only thing he can think of is not his mother, or the people he knows on Earth.

Instead he thinks, “shit, I was one missed test question away from oblivion and I’m the one who’s stuck alive.”

He doesn’t tell the others these thoughts. He says he’s mourning and they let him.

***

He knows eventually they’re going to see the truth, his team. They’ll realize how much of a failure he is and finally kick him out. Leave him trapped on some doomed planet to be swallowed by the Hunger and hope he doesn’t reset.

He works hard to keep up the facade, the lie that he’s worth anything, but some days he wonders if it would be better if he gave up and accepted his fate.

***

Falling in love with Lup is like staring into the sun. It hurts, but he can’t look away.

Because he knows how this is going to end. He’s been in love with the popular kid before, and it always ends with another scar on his patchwork skin.

Barry lets himself dream of what could be, but only at night. The daytime is for work. The night is for useless fantasies.

***

“You don’t think you belong here.” Taako says. It’s not a question.

Barry chuckles. “What gave it away?” He sips the drink Taako handed him. It’s a beautiful sunny world, with a sandy beach reminiscent of the beach planet. This one, however, is inhabited, and the people had already killed Magnus the week before. Taako and Barry should be on the ship, but they snuck away to drink.

“Just the way you carry yourself,” Taako shrugs. “Like any minute someone’s gonna turn on you and kick you out.”

“Didn’t know I was that obvious,” Barry mutters.

Taako laughs. “No one’s caught on besides Lup and me.” He takes a long sip. “And the only reason we know is because we don’t belong either.”

“Of course you do,” Barry replies immediately. “Your both incredible wizards, efficient chefs, your bond is incredible, you fit in with the group -”

“Yeah, I know that, dumbass,” Taako cuts him off. “I know the statistics. Doesn’t change the doubts, you know?”

Barry frowns. “Yeah, I’ll drink to that.”

***

Magnus Burnsides knocks on Barry’s door fifteen cycles and three beers in. 

“Barry?” The fighter says. “Can I come in?”

“Wha’s the matter?” Barry says, stumbling to the door. 

“I don’t know,” Magnus says as Barry fumbles with the doorknob. “You just seemed kind of low?”

Barry laughs at that, a bitter sound. “‘M always low, buddy, I hate myself, don’t worry ‘bout it.”

The door is finally opened, to reveal Magnus with the rest of the crew behind him.

“Shit,” Barry says.

“Barry,” Davenport says, “I think we need to have - to have a talk when you’re, well, when you’re sober.”

Barry can only nod. 

When everyone starts to flow out of the room it’s a relief. Only Lup stays behind. She has a bowl of chips in her hands, which she hands to Barry.

“Hang in there, Bluejeans,” she smiles before leaving the room.

***

“I’m sorry,” Barry says.

“I know you are,” Davenport replies. The two are standing in Davenport’s room, having a serious conversation that Barry can only assume will lead to his expulsion from the mission. 

“I’ll do better,” Barry begs.

Davenport blinks in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I’ll work harder, I’ll spend all my time in the labs, I’ll - “

“Barry,” Davenport cuts him off, “that’s not what I’m worried about. This isn’t about professionalism.” 

Barry frowns. “Then what is it about?”

“The team is worried about your health. About how you’re doing. And frankly, Barry, last night’s - er, episode? Makes me only more worried.” 

“You’re not going to kick me off of the ship?” Barry asks, voice small.

Davenport smiles sadly. “This is what I’m talking about. Barry, I chose you for a reason.”

“It was a fluke. I’m sorry, Captain, but it was a mistake.” Barry says.

Davenport shakes his head. “That’s not for you to decide. I picked you, and I’d do it again under different circumstances.” Davenport softens for a moment. “No one signed up to do this, well, this shit show, but we’re here. It’s my duty to make sure everyone is okay. That includes you, Bluejeans.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been okay,” Barry admits.

“Well then, you’ll let me know if things get bad, okay?” Davenport says. Barry nods. Davenport goes to open the door to end the meeting before pausing and turning back to Barry. “None of us are okay,” he says. “There’s no shame in that.”

***

Lup finds him alone and plops down beside him. 

“Sup nerd?” She says. “How’d the talk with Cap’nport go?”

“You ever feel like you don’t belong?” 

Lup pauses. “Well, yeah,” she finally says, “no shit. We all do.”

“That’s not what I mean. Do you ever feel like people are going to figure out who the real you is? And then everything’s over?”

“Who is the real Barry Bluejeans?” Lup asks.

Barry shakes his head. “You, er, you wouldn’t like him.”

“How do you know that, Barold? Never met him. I might like him better, you don’t know.” Lup smiles at him. 

Barry blinks. “You seriously want to know?”

“Hell yeah, nerd,” Lup grins. “Lay it on me. Whatcha interested in?”

Barry thinks for a moment. “Well, um, I think, uh, theoretically? In theory? Necromancy is kind of, er, interesting?”

“Hell yeah!” Lup proclaims. “See, that’s cool. Tell me more.”

Barry smiles. “Oh, uh, okay.”

***

“Are you sure you wanna drink with me?” Magnus asks.

Barry nods. “Less pathetic than drinking alone.”

Magnus laughs. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

There’s a silence as the two make themselves comfortable before Barry speaks.

“You ever feel like you don’t belong? Like someone else deserved this mission and you should’ve - “

“ - You should’ve died at home?” Magnus finishes. He takes a swig of his beer before nodding. “Yeah. Yeah, I get that.”

“How do you deal with it?” Barry asks.

Magnus laughs. “Well, shit, Barry, I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine. Usually I go to Taako and we do nails and shit.”

“I was hoping you’d have a definite solution,” Barry sighs.

Magnus shakes his head. “Sorry, bud, we’re all struggling with this.”

Barry pauses at that. “I don’t know about everyone. What about Lucretia? Or the Captain? They’re doing fine.”

“You’re not looking close enough,” Magnus says as he lies back, trying to make himself comfortable on Barry’s bed. “Luce has just started looking up from her book after fifteen years. You read it and she’s just writing “I should have done more” on the back page. I’ve run into Cap’nport having a panic attack in the kitchen more times than either of us are willing to admit. He think it’s all his fault, this entire thing, that we need a better Captain. Even Merle has nightmares. No one’s doing okay.”

“Okay,” Barry says. “Okay, I can deal with that.”

***

Barry Bluejeans doesn’t belong. But, he realizes, fuck it. No one does.

And if there’s anywhere he can feel safe? It’s with these other outcasts.

The scars won’t go away, but they can heal. 

And that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is @infernaltwink come yell with me about sad Barry Bluejeans!


End file.
